Couples Therapy
By Eleni Kyrpigikidis
When highly distressed and disconnected couple’s enter my therapy room, it’s quite common for me to observe the distance between them as they take a seat on the couch. Sitting on opposite ends, they sit with their legs and arms crossed, and sometimes, even facing away from each other. I know in my head and heart that my job will be done when they are sitting close to each other, their bodies leaning in to each other, and their legs and hands intertwined.
Attachment or emotional bonding, which Emotional Focussed Couple’s Therapy is founded on, is as crucial to adult survival as it is to a newborn finding safety in the mother and the world. As adults, we seek emotional safety, security and bonding in our intimate partner. This attachment bonding can be disrupted through attachment injuries such as an infidelity, or when one partner wasn’t available or present in a moment of need. Couple’s will often seek therapy when the emotional distance has become so great that the relationship is barely surviving.
In Emotional Focussed Couple’s Therapy, the prime objective is to focus on repairing and reconnecting emotional bonds. Through therapy, and by slowing down emotions, and unpacking the anger, resentment, hurt, sadness and disconnection, couples soften and I begin to see the physical shift. Gradually they begin to turn to each other. They speak directly to each other rather than through me. I may even see them sit closer to each other on the couch. Most couple’s do this instinctively, while others need gentle guidance. For these couple’s, it’s not uncommon for them to turn to me and say, “Do I have to?” “Yes” I reply, “you have to, because it will make you feel better”.
By this stage, both partners are bewildered. I then go on to explain oxytocin.
Oxytocin is a hormone that is often referred to as the ‘cuddle chemical’. It plays a role in human behaviour that includes trust, social bonding, love, relationship building, sexual arousal, reproduction and chidbirth. Oxytocin makes us feel a surge of positive emotion and it is released when we are in close proximity or in contact with an attachment figure. An yes, adults need attachment figures too.
Over time, and for those couple’s that have repaired their attachment bonding enough, I will even get them to gaze into each other’s eyes and hold the gaze for a whole three minutes. Who ever thought that three minutes would feel so long?
Initially the eye gazing creates a lot of discomfort and laughter. But by the two minute mark the energy in the room shifts and something palpable is felt in the therapy room. The energy is deep connection; lovers, confidants and friends gazing at each other. Gazing with a forgotten recognition that says, “there you are”, “I lost you for a while, I couldn’t find you”; “I remember how good we once were. As a therapist witnessing this interplay, I become part of this sacred moment of intimacy! It feels beautiful to experience this in the therapy room; a moment of pure presence, of quiet mind and emotions, of open hearts. All couples in distress need these moments of recognition and open heartedness. I know I can guide you both to experience this.
Eleni Kyrpigikidis
My name is Eleni Kidis and I offer Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapy at Prana House and online. Check-out Prana House membership benefits for 10% off the first 4 sessions with me.
For an initial free 30 minute consult, contact me : info@yogaharihealing.com