There are many, many ways that we either consciously or unconsciously sabotage our relationships.
The success of our relationships relies on a constant process of trial and error – finding out what
works and what doesn’t and navigating the choppy waters with a shared sense of purpose and
direction. Any one of those challenges we face can escalate into a relationship threatening crisis if
not understood and given the attention it needs. Following are ten common reasons why
relationships fall apart:
1. Withdrawing – Often issues that really need to be dealt with get swept under the carpet for one of
two reasons; either we feel it is too difficult or uncomfortable to confront, or we feel (or our partner
makes us feel) that it is not significant enough to bring up. However, anything that is important to
one or both partners that is left unresolved will gradually create resentment and will likely explode
(often about something entirely unrelated) sometime in the future.
2. Reduced Affection – It’s natural that our desire for physical affection reduces once our hormones
revert back to normal levels after the initial stages of falling in love. However consistent non-sexual
physical touch is essential to retain intimacy and closeness in your relationship. Simple things such as
holding hands, hugs and gentle loving touches are vital to maintaining that connection.
3. The Need to be Right – Whenever we are determined to be right we automatically dismiss our
partner’s opinion. And when we feel dismissed we are unlikely to feel inclined to be intimate with
our partner. In most cases there is no right or wrong, and we all see the world through different
eyes. Being open to your partner’s opinions will make them feel more valued, and allows the
opportunity to find a different solution.
4. Not Making Your Relationship Your Top Priority – After we settle down it is easy to put work, kids
etc ahead of our intimate relationship. However the quality of your relationship affects the quality of
everything else in your life, and if we neglect it everything suffers. And your kids want nothing more
than for the two of you to be happy. The quality of your relationship affects the quality of their lives
5. Not Listening – Most of us think we are good listeners, but few of us are. We hear, but we don’t
truly listen. Listening is a skill, and utilising effective questioning to follow up what our partner has
said is vital to them feeling understood and supported.
6. Excessive Criticism – We all criticise at one time or another, and generally it is not overly harmful.
But when criticism becomes the predominate method of communication in your relationship then
you will quickly find yourselves in trouble. Criticism is an ineffective way of achieving what you
desire, so it is vital to find other methods of communicating your needs.
7. Dishonesty – Trust is vital in an intimate relationship, and any dishonesty will quickly erode that
trust. Often it’s not the act that causes the most hurt, it is the dishonesty about it that really drives a
wedge between you.
8. Invalidating Your Partner – We all come from different backgrounds, environments and
experiences, and as a result we all have a unique view of the world. If we are determined to make
our partner see the world through our eyes we send the message that they are not valued for who
they are, and as a result they will become reluctant to share their thoughts and feelings with you.
9. Excessive Anger – Few of us are immune to the odd outburst of anger, and occasionally it can be
healthy for a relationship, but when anger becomes pervasive it can tear a relationship apart. Some
people can handle anger better than others, and often the perpetrator doesn’t understand the
destructive effect their anger has on their partner. It can make them feel belittled, fearful and
unsafe, and that is a recipe for distancing yourself from your partner.
10. Lack of Affirmation – We all react more positively when we feel accepted as we are. However as
a relationship goes along it is very easy to get caught up in the negatives and begin to overlook the
good things about our partner and our relationship. It’s vital to a healthy relationship to make a
point of seeing the good things and pointing them out to your partner.
These are just a few of the common issues in relationships, and any one of them can lead to the
demise of your relationship if not attended to. If any of these are infiltrating your relationship, then
perhaps now is a good time to do something about it.
Book your COMPLIMENTARY Relationship Check-up with Matt Glover. Bookings can be made via email or ph: 0416 211 424
Autumn is marked by the changes of leaves, no longer green but golden yellow and orange, all dried and crunchy with a child urge to play and stomp all over them.
The wind is strong refreshing and cold yet we still feel the warmth of the sun warming our bones, the rain down pour that is welcomed from a dry(ish) summer. A relief.
This seasonal shift we begin to slowly become more introverted, possibly sluggish and the bowels become dryer, needing more hydration and sleep. The shift has started, time to let go and journey within. According to Chinese medicine, Autumn is related to the Lungs and dryness. The Lungs are also connected with the Large Intestine and Skin, the upper body and face- so you may notice respiratory issues arise such as dry or phlegm prone coughs, sinusitis, sneezing, sore throats, constipation, eczema just to name a few.
This is the best time to wear scarfs and keep warm, to stop consuming summer foods and drinks – avoiding ice cold drinks, raw and cold foods including salads. Reducing mucus producing foods and drinks like smoothies, dairy -milk and cheeses, banana’s these build up in the respiratory system giving rise to phlegm.
Time to embrace, warm cooked foods in particular soups and congee, room temperature water, warm herbal fresh ginger teas, poached pears with cinnamon. Porridge. Early nights & regular acupuncture.
In China it’s common in late Summer/early Autumn for people to get a series of Acupuncture sessions to build the Lungs/ respiratory/immune system to prevent colds and flu’s, including the severity and duration especially prior to Winter. If you’re wanting to have more energy to be doing the things you love without sickness taking up your time, then give us a call.
Autumn Special: mention this flyer to receive your Standard Initial Consultation Session for $120 (Save $60)
Dr MJ Laskov 0435 455 707
*Offer ends 1st May 2018* Excludes Radiant Queen sessions*
The challenge, and gift, of the Tesla Metamorphosis practitioner is to judge nothing…extending their loving heart to all…even the most unlovable (in self and others). Here is where a radical shift in consciousness can take place…raising our vibration and causing us to take on a higher frequency, or, state of awareness/consciousness. The lightness of being that can be felt when one chooses to do this is remarkably liberating. This may be a task we all need to do, to enable ourselves to move out of the quandary we have been in for so long.
(In steps a voice of doubt)….
How could I not judge all the bad stuff? How could I forgive, and ‘be’ forgiven for all the wrongs that have been committed? We need to be punished! We don’t deserve the privilege of not being held accountable.
Here might be where we get stuck. If only we could ‘see’ (have a birds eye view) of the cause of things…the natural course of events which lead up to things happening…things said…things done; “Ah, yes”…we might think…”Now I can understand why that happened! It wasn’t ‘because’ of me, it was because of …..” Knowing there is rhyme and reason to things, we wouldn’t need to take things personally; we wouldn’t need to accept the burden of being solely responsible (or making others solely responsible) for all the “bad” stuff. We are not sole perpetrators…we are participants…acting from a natural instinct and drive to do so. Are we going to blame ourselves, or others, for having been unconscious players? When we don’t realise the karmic wheel we are stuck on – the cause and effect nature of the natural world – well, we continue the motions, the “eye for an eye” thing. When we finally see, and realise, this automatic pilot cycle we are stuck on, we can begin to imagine a way out of it; and so glad will be our heart. A great teacher taught us to ‘turn the other cheek’. Being no impractical suggestion, this was a practical ‘instruction’ on how to negate this perpetuating karmic cycle…how to neutralise it affects.
Back to the part about forgiving self; once we realise the cycle we are trapped in, we can slowly (or quickly) begin to develop mercy and compassion for ourselves. Recognizing our own mishaps of judgment and action in others will allow us to begin to have mercy and compassion for ourselves. We will be able to give mercy; and, you know how it goes….what you ‘give’ you shall receive.
(Voice of doubt queries)…. Is there punishment in ‘knowing’ these things, but not ‘acting’ on them? (i.e. By continuing to act badly, do we compound our ability to forgive ourselves?)
Just know this is a very tough and stubborn ‘skin’ we are trying to shed…our old habits; and let us not put ourselves down for occasionally slipping up. Instead, know this is a hard task, and expect to occasionally fall backwards. But, let us persevere…let us ‘carry our crosses’, and, keep our heads pointed in the direction we want to go.
When tempted to become angry (for example), rather than slipping into the whole drama and fiasco of it (and ultimate guilt/karma) reason with yourself – ask: ‘why’ am I feeling angry? Bring awareness to the situation – minus any need to judge it – remembering it is a natural response…an ‘effect’ of a cause…an equal and opposite reaction to a thing. Light on the situation allows you navigate through it. You can decide…”O.k., where ‘do’ I want to go with this? Actually, I don’t ‘want’ to be angry; so, I will let it go”.
Tracy Morrow – Telsa Practitioner, Prana House
In most relationships at some stage we reach a point where we wonder whether it is worth fighting for. The daily grind of trying to keep it all together begins to wear us down, the fights escalate, and the distance between us grows. We become overwhelmed by the seeming enormity of the task to reconcile our differences that we begin to think it might be easier just to cut and run.
However before you do I would like you to consider things very carefully. I am a big believer in the power of couples to revive their relationships so long as they make the decision to work together to create a better relationship. Because the truth is it’s rarely your partner (or even yourself) that is the problem, it’s the patterns of behaviour that you get stuck in that are the true enemy in your relationship.
Some of the common issues couples face, which can lead to resentment and disconnection include:
Once these patterns are identified and new patterns implemented, things can change dramatically. Sometimes it can be a difference in just one of these areas that causes a rift between the two of you, however over time it permeates through your entire relationship. Making some simple changes can subsequently create a profound improvement in your relationship.
Today, statistics show that close to 50% of all marriages fail, however the rate of failure of second marriages is around 70%, and third marriages is closer to 80%. Are some people just unlucky in love? I don’t think so. The reality is that people do not learn the lessons from their first marriage, and take the same patterns of behaviour into their subsequent marriages. Learning and understanding why your current relationship is struggling is the key to creating that magical relationship that we all desire.
There are, however, times where you really do need to consider ending your relationship. These include:
It is vitally important that your partner respects your desire to work on your relationship. If they refuse repeatedly then it is time to give them an ultimatum. Your relationship is something that should be giving you joy, not pain, so it is your absolute right to request that your partner work with you on it. And funnily enough, often it is when you tell them that you have had enough and you are actually leaving the relationship that your partner finally will seek out the help that you’ve wanted all along!
If your relationship is not providing you with the fulfilment and passion that you need, then perhaps it’s time to do something about it. Relationship coaching is a highly effective way to get your relationship back on track and give you the tools to continue to grow and flourish together. So don’t just give up or put up, instead fight for the relationship that you truly deserve. It will absolutely be worth it!
Book your COMPLIMENTARY Relationship Check-up with Matt in the month of April bookings can be made via email or ph: 0416 211 424
It’s always a great debate, and one that elicits some very strong opinions and emotions. Are men and women born radically different, or is it our environment that shapes who we become? Are men really from Mars and women from Venus? The truth, of course, is a bit of both, though the degrees will always be unmeasurable.
Personally, I am in the camp that says that men and women are naturally significantly different, though our environment also plays a large part in determining how our masculine and feminine sides are developed. Because whether we are male or female we all have masculine and feminine aspects of our personality and physiology. To what degree though varies from person to person. As a rule men at their core are masculine, and women at their core are feminine. However it is estimated that approximately 8% of women are masculine at their core, and 8% of men are feminine at their core.
How our masculinity and femininity affects our relationships is significant. The masculine is very focused and direct, whereas the feminine is very encompassing and aware of what is happening around it. It is these polarities that draw us together, complement each other, and provide an opportunity to develop ourselves in many different ways. However they are also often the cause of much frustration in relationships, and in life in general, especially if we only look at the behaviour through our own interpretation of how things should be done.
‘The masculine is very focused and direct, whereas the feminine is very
encompassing and aware of what is happening around it’
It is only in recent years that we have begun to get a better understanding of the differences of the male and female brains. The size, the structure, and the connections within the brains of males and females are consistently being shown to be quite different in many new scientific studies. There is always debate on how accurate these studies are, and whether there is bias involved, but there is clearly enough evidence now to say with some certainty that we are born with different wiring that guides our behaviours throughout our lives.
For example, it has been shown that females have 11% more neurons than males in the language and hearing centres of the brain. As a result women have a more acute sense of hearing, and a stronger ability to determine the nuances of emotion in someone’s voice. This is an essential skill in child rearing, and one that women are more naturally attuned to. I also find this a consistent source of frustration with couples who come to see me. The woman more often than not is exasperated with her partner’s lack of attention, and seeming inability to interpret the intentions of her words and emotions.
However this is not necessarily simply the man being difficult. A study in the Netherlands monitored the brain patterns of over 100 males and females between the ages of 17-27 while listening to a combination of music and white noise. The findings showed that females had an intense reaction to both the music and the white noise, however whilst the males had a similar intense reaction to the music, they almost completely detached from the white noise. There was little brain activity at all, as though they didn’t even hear it, indicating that men naturally are able to switch off any noise that they unconsciously determine is not important to them in that moment.
I’m sure there are many women reading this silently nodding their head in agreement, having much experience with their male partners seemingly switching off at will. Truly listening is a skill that many men are not strong in, and one that I often need to address with my male clients. Like any skill it is something that can be learnt, but it takes practice. Similarly I often have to work with their female partners to encourage them to speak in smaller blocks of dialogue, and to ensure they have the full attention of their partner if they have something important to say.
This, of course, is a generalisation and not true of all couples. I have had clients where the opposite is true. But they are rare. Other factors such as the family environment we grow up in and the culture we are exposed to also have a large effect on our behaviours. But the bottom line is men and women are different in many, many ways (just as we are similar in many ways also), and whilst this is generally a good thing, it can lead to all sorts of issues in a relationship if not properly understood and accommodated.
I am a strong believer that these differences are significant and important. But I also believe that we shouldn’t use them as an excuse for disrespecting or not meeting the needs of our partners. We are all capable of learning and improving in any area that our relationships are deficient in. And if our partner can see that we are making an effort to improve, that alone can transform a formerly stagnant relationship into something beautiful again.
Book your COMPLIMENTARY Relationship Check-up with Matt in the month of February, bookings can be made via email or ph: 0416 211 424.